Cafeteria
by Arayuru-san
Summary: Okay, I suck at making up titles. Anyway, the food in Balamb has been tampered, and it makes everyone act differently…Real mild swearing.
1. The mess begins

"Uh, Fuujin, is, y'know pouring weird stuff onto food, kind of a bad idea?"

"RAGE. WHY BAD?"

"Uh, I dunno. Ma'be cuz they could get really screwed up, we really don't know what these do."

"JEALOUS."

"Am not, dammit. Just because you come up with one measly, mediocre idea…"

"RAGE."

"uh…"

"MY IDEA."

"Am I sleeping on the couch?"

"AFFRIMATIVE." 

The hotdog tasted funny. Come to think of it, so did the one before it. And the one before that, and the one before that, and the and the one he had for breakfast, and the other one he had for breakfast, and the one he had as a mid-morning snack, and the one he had stolen from Squall…room's getting fuzzy…can't see the hot dog anymore…

"Zzzzzzzzzzzzz" went Zell.

Rinoa Looked at Zell. Something wasn't right. Rinoa examined Zell. Something was wrong with the kid. Wait, he wasn't jumping up and down, or twitching constantly. In fact, he really wasn't moving a lot, just lying there, snoring. Zell was extremely hyper most of the time, but that still wasn't what was wrong with Zell. It could be that Zell was sleeping in the cafeteria. People generally did that in their rooms. Maybe that was it. No that couldn't be right, it was definitely something else. 

The little gears twirled, and stated to move. What was that in his hand? 

It was a half-eaten hotdog. That's what wasn't right.

Zell…Didn't…Finish…the hot dog…That meant that for some reason, something was wrong with Zell, and that had stopped him from eating hot dogs, which nothing else that Rinoa had heard of had done.

Something was wrong with the food in the cafeteria. Okay, it wasn't the best, and maybe the fact that Selphie's salad gave her food poisoning wasn't suspicious. Except, how do you get food poisoning from veggies? And Squall was just acting weird. After drinking some coffee, he went over and started crying on Quistis's shoulder.

"I'm so sorry!" Squall yelled.

"Squall, are you okay? You don't look normal."

Squall was still sobbing.

"Irvine?" she asked me.

"Yes?"

"Is it…just me…but…is Squall…?" she asked.

"Yes"

"Is…He expressing emotions…?"

Squall was really crying loudly now.

"Uh, this may be scary, but I think he is." I said

"Shit" Quistis said.

That was bad enough. But I drew the line when my lunch exploded on me, and onto my expensive hat, dammit!


	2. Pokes and explosions

Disclaimer: I don't own these characters. If I did, I would be richer. Not only that, I have no idea what I'm doing with this fic, so give any ideas you might have.

*Poke*

….

*Poke*

….

Maybe if she kept poking at Zell, he would eventually wake up. Rinoa couldn't think of a better idea of what to do.

*Poke*

….

*Poke*

….

*Poke* *poke*

….

*Poke* *poke* *poke* *poke*

This was getting boring. Was he going to sit there, or was he going to wake up?

*Poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke* *poke*….

Squall being indifferent was slightly annoying. Not that bad, really. Sure, he only said "…" a lot of the time, but that was okay with me. I wish I could get the normal Squall back. Or, rather, the _more_ normal Squall.

Squall having hysterics was simply uncomfortable, especially for Quistis, since he latched onto her, and wouldn't let go. If he'd stayed that way, she might have tried to beat him off with her whip. But in his state, that might not have worked.

However, Squall being angry was bad. REALLY BAD. Squall being angry at us was worse. Squall with gun blade was even worse. Squall being angry at us with a gun blade in his hand was really, really, bad. Squall, with a _loaded_ gun blade, and being angry at anyone and everyone was really, really, not good. 

Oh, and by the way, don't order any food from the cafeteria. It isn't worth it. I still have bits of meat on my hat. My _very_ expensive hat.

Last night:

"Hey, Fuujin, what's nytro—, nitro, err…"

"NYTRO-GLYCERIN."

"Yeah, what you said. What is it?

"EXPLOSIVE."

"Wait, that couldn't be right. I don't think I heard…"

"EXPLOSIVE!!! EXPLOSIVE!!!!" Fuujin screamed, kicking at Rajin.

"Ow, okay okay!" Rajin said, rubbing his shin. "Wait a minute. You said explosive! uh, is that a really good idea—!"

*BOOM!* (actually, I have no idea what exploding cafeteria food would sound like.)

"SHIT! My sandwich!" some random person yelled.

"Never mind. Ya were right." Rajin said.

"AFFRIMATIVE."

"Do I get to sleep in the bed again?"

"NO."

"Okay, so what's the plan?" I said.

"We run away from Squall if we see him, hopefully not getting shot at." Quistis said.

"Oh, great plan." I said.

"Irvine, do you think you could do better? Quistis said, raising an eyebrow.

"Sure" I said, while holding up my rifle.

"Bad Irvine!" Selpie shouted. "No violence! We don't want to kill him! He's our friend!" she emphasized this by elbowing me in the arm.

I sighed. Too bad Squall didn't feel the same way, right now.

Next chapter: Squall and mood swings don't mix, and neither does caffeine. Again, if you have any ideas, send them in.


	3. Squall and mood swings don’t mix, and ne...

Okay, if you read the rest of the fic, you'll know that Squall is a bit tipsy…DON'T TELL ME THAT SQUALL IS OOC, BECAUSE THAT IS THE POINT.

By the way, I don't own them. I do however, own a cerulean striped monkey named Fred. He says hi, by the way.

I also do not have anything against Squall or Zell, they just happen to be convenient. I also do not anything against tables, either.

Three minutes ago he had been crying. He had tried to tell Quistis his problems, and say that he was sorry. But did she care? No. He was trying to open up his shell, and what did it get him? A slap in the face. Never rely on others, for it shall come back to bite you in the ass, and not in a good way.

So squall ran to his room, found his gun blade, and some ammo, and started shooting the cafeteria. He'll make them care about him! If they didn't want the introvert, or the crying guy, then maybe they'll like the guy shooting everything that moved.

To illustrate his point, he shot a nearby table, 

*boom*

And a light fixture.

*boom*

And the chair.

*boom*

And then the table again.

*boom*

And then the wall (the wall probably laughed at him, behind his back, anyway)

*boom*

*click*

*click*

*click*

*click*

Dammit, now the inanimate objects hated him. His gun blade didn't even like him. He took good care of it, and polished every day, and did it care? No. Shit. Squall glared at the table, (the one with the two bullet holes) then sliced it into two, one part landing nosily on the floor. Then he glared at both halves some more.

Maybe that was his problem. He wasn't likable. Hell, his father kicked him out. He couldn't please anyone. Ellone ran away, and had left him all alone, by himself and now everyone else, even Quistis. But it's not he didn't try to be likable. That was it. He didn't even care enough about other people. He was heartless. He deserved to die. He didn't deserve his friends. Look at what he had done to them. They got slightly uncomfortable, and then he started to wave his gun blade in their faces.

For the second time that day, he cried.

Rajin looked at Fuujin, nervously.

"uh, Fuujin?"

"CAFFINE. PLUS CHEMICALS. BAD."

"Think that if we run, he'll never find us?"

"HUH?"

"Squall is not going to be happy once he learns, that, we, uh…"

"DRUGGED COFFEE?"

"You wouldn't happen to have any tranquilizers?"

"WHY?"

"For Squall."

*boom*

*boom*

*boom*

*boom*

*boom*

*click*

*click*

*click*

*click*

*thunk*

"GET CLOSE TO SQUALL?"

"Uh, yeah, or just close enough to, uh…"

"BAD. IDEA. DUMB ASS."

"IRVINE!" Rajin jumped. That sounded like it was from the other side of the floor, and from Squall.

"Race ya to the gate."

"AFFRIMATIVE."

I just got this great idea from Ifalna, that Seifer also eats tainted food, and somehow gets himself into a dress. E-mail me or post a review if you want to see this in future chapters. 


	4. Forget something? And Seifer in a dress!

I do not own any characters in this fic, except for three, (KA, KY, KE) and those I really don't care about. I forgot how many of them there are. Sadly, no pizza monster. Seifer does wear a dress, and I think that that was more important. ;) No one e-mailed me, and I got bored, so I went ahead. I just thought that the Idea was too good to pass up. Thanks Ifalna!

What would you have done in this situation?

The person who has teased you for a constant basis, every single day, for the least couple of years, is now, sprawled in a closet, and is out cold.

"Pass the pink eye shadow" a girl with black hair said.

"No, use the blue, Kei-chan" An auburn girl whined.

"Pink, Kaede"

"Blue!"

"Pink!" 

"Blue!"

"Pink!"

"Blue!"

"Pink!" 

"Blue!"

"Pink!"

"Purple!" an another girl shouted.

"All three!" the first girl said.

"Hey, Fuujin, Balamb city kinda nice this time of the year, ya know?"

"AFFIRMATIVE."

"Especailly when there is a homicidal manic in the garden, huh?"

"AFFRIMATIVE"

"Ever think that we'll be able to go back any time soon?"

"NEGATORY"

"Damn, cuz all of our stuff is in there. Fuujin?"

"YES?"

"Ever wonder if we forgot something?"

"NEGATORY."

"Cause I could've sworn…oh well. Wait, did you remember to tell Seifer."

"OH WELL."

"Huh? I thought you were supposed to tell him!"

"TOO LATE."

"Yeah, well, Seifer can probably take care of anything, ya know?"

Rajin looked at Fuujin and coughed.

"Can I sleep on the bed—Owowowowowowow!"

"RAGE!" Fuujin yelled as she ran down the street, Kicking Rajin when she could.

"I was just askin' owowowowow"

"RAGE! COME BACK HERE!"

"Gaaaah!" Rajin screamed.

"I think that he looks cute!" Kaede giggled. "But I still don't think that pink is his color."

"It doesn't matter. Where did you get a dress that'll fit him, Kyoko?" Keiko asked.

*Giggle* "Would you believe me if I said that this isn't the first guy that I've dressed a guy up in girl's clothes?"

"That depends. Was he conscious or not?" Keiko asked.

"Still awake, but ve-eeery drunk" Kyoko said.

"Never mind, I don't want to know." Keiko interrupted.

"That does kinda explain the heels you had which fit him." Kaede said.

"I wish I had a camera." Keiko said.

"Actually, I think that there is one in my dorm!" Kyoko shouted. 

"Okay. Anyone have a better plan?" Quistis said.

"Esthar is very nice right now…"

"The island closest to hell sounds nice, or even the moon…" Irvine said.

"Great let's go, before Squall decides to redecorate us with his gun blade." Irvine yelled.

"Wait, aren't we forgetting something?" Quistis said.

"Yes, we are forgetting that Squall went psycho and is trying to kill us, and we haven't left let." Irvine whined, as he tried pulling Selphie closer to the exit.

"Why do you say that, Quistis? Stop pulling on me, Dammit."

" I dunno, I guess it feels like we've forgotten something."

"Zzzzz" went Zell, Slumped over the table, with the hotdog still in hand.


	5. Zell wakes up...Finally

Disclaimer: I own nothing, in and out of this fic. 

Okay, this chapter sucks. But it needs to be in there, to set something up.

"Zell" Quistis said.

"Zell?" Selphie said.

"Zell." Quistis nodded and pointed to the cafeteria.

"Squall" said as he pointed to the cafeteria.

Quisitis shook her head, and pointed behind Irvine. And then ran in the opposite direction.

Irvine didn't enough time to react, and was soon unconscious on the garden floor.

"zzzzzzz" went Irvine.

"zzzzzzz" went Zell.

"zzzzzzz" went Seifer, who was still in a dress and heels.

"Snork" went Zell. Slowly getting up. Where was he? Why was it blurry? What the hell happened to the table over there? 

Wait, his last thoughts were that the room was getting darker, and now it's much later than before. Okay, he had passed out.

But that still doesn't explain why the table had bullet holes. Or why the room wouldn't stay still. Or why Qusitis and Selphie were rapidly running into the cafeteria. Or at least, it looked like Quistis and Selphie.

"Zell!" one of them screamed. The room was still spinning, so it was kinda hard to tell which one was which…Or how many of them there were…

"gahh, uh, hello." Zell said. Okay, talking was a bit hard to do right now.

"What's wrong with him?" Which one of them said that?

"I think that the hot dogs did it."

E tu, processed meat? 

Quistis closed her eyes, and had a extremely large headache.

"Can I go back to sleep?" Zell said.

"No." Selphie said.

"Why not?" Zell whined.

"Cause you have to be awake."

Zell blinked a thought for a moment.

"I'll be your best friend." Zell said, trying to look pitiful, and only succeeded in wobbling more than usual.

"No."

"Please?" Zell giggled.

Rinoa shoved her drink off the table. She was pissed. She simply wanted affection. S that so hard to ask for? That idiot gave more care to a hunk of metal than to her! She wasn't even worth it to him!

She stomped off to Find Squall and to pound him into a bloody pulp. And then she would set the pulp on fire. And then stomp on the ashes. And then take a gun tot he ashes. And then let Angelo slobber on them. And then…

"Fly me to the moon, *hiccup* and let me play among the stars,…*giggle* let me see what spring is like on Jupiter and mars," Zell sung. Very badly.

Quistis and Selphie had gone back to where Irvine was, dragging Zell along with them.

Where unfortuanly, Squall was there too. And he didn't look very depressed at the moment.

"wheee!" shouted Zell.


	6. Violent, ne?

Like I said before, I do not own these characters. If I did I would be a lot richer.

There may be sap, but it is quickly replace with Violence. I apoligize in advance to all supporters of Squall/Rinoa…don't kill me please…

Quistis summarized the situation:

Selphie: Could still fight, but didn't have weapon.

Herself: Same as above.

Zell: wobbling and singing (still). Couldn't be of any use in the fight, unless Selphie threw him.

Irvine: Unconscious. See throwing, at.

Squall: The person they were trying to fight, of course he wasn't going to be much help.

Okay, so now the plan is to decide which one was lighter, Zell or Irvine, and to throw them. 

"SQUALL! WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU!"

Squall visibly jumped. Quistis ear's were ringing.

Plan B: Grab Irvine and Zell, leave Rinoa and Squall to fight, and run like hell. Good enough. Except that the arguing couple was in front of the doorway and getting closer to them was a bad idea.

"Squall! You are the worst boyfriend ever!"

"You aren't much better." Squall snapped.

"Seifer was nicer to me and paid me more attention!" Rinoa screamed.

"Seifer could make a better girlfriend than you!" Squall screamed.

"He was better in bed than you were!" Rinoa shouted.

Okay, that was more information than Quistis wanted to know.

"Squally, why are you so mean…*sniff*…I hate you!" Rinoa sobbed.

"Well I hate you—I so sorry! I shouldn't have yelled at you!" Squall yelled as he ran to Rinoa.

"Do *sniff* you mean that? *sniff*" Rinoa asked.

"I'm so sorry, I apologize for shouting, and for fighting, and for acting like a jerk, and for forgetting our anniversary, and for not putting the toilet seat down, and for all of the nasty remarks about your dog—

"WHAT DID YOU SAY ABOUT ANGELO!" Rinoa screamed, as she punched Squall in the face.

"He is a ugly, flea ridden, ugly mutt, that smells like he's never been bathed! And he takes after his owner!" Squall shouted as he put his hand to his face where Rinoa had punched him.

"At least his father never abandoned him! If you were my kid I would've done the same thing! And your mother probably died in embarrassment and shame after she saw you!"

Squall looked at Rinoa, hurt. Then he broke down sobbing, in the middle of the floor.

"You're right! I failed everyone! I can't do anything right!"

"Damn straight! Like you could've rescued me from space a bit faster, but no, you just had to take your time, didn't you! You're just lucky that I didn't die!" she screamed.

Squall just sat there sobbing.

Emotional roller coaster. Whee, how fun. I noticed that Selphie had inched further away from (still dragging a giggling Zell) the couple, and so had I.

Irvine however, was wide-awake right now. He walked up to squall, and hit him on the head.

"That's for knocking me unconscious—AAAAAH!

"ONLY I'M ALLOWED TO HIT MY SQUALL!" Rinoa screamed as she brought her foot forcefully into Irvine's crotch.

"AAAAAH!"

*Whimper* 

*Thud*

Great, now Irvine was back on the floor for the second time today.


End file.
